Ryan Conklin And The Real Tampon Song

Early on, when Ryan Conklin's new found boy pal, Chet Cannon, asked him to sing some songs for him, Ryan took his guitar and songbook and brought Chet out to sit with him in the intimate decorative Real World Brooklyn land boat. Ryan then proceeded to sing what he called "the greatest love song of all time." That song, gentle reader, is what is known as "In The Woman I Love (The Tampon Song)".

The gist of the lyrics is that a boy wishes to live as a tampon in the woman he loves. Strangely, for a love song it is not at all romantic, as it focuses on menstruation and details of how a tampon is used. So, what is its purpose?

The key to understanding it is to realize that it is intended to be satirical. It is not about someone wanting to be a tampon. Instead, it is about the songwriter making fun of the often expressed desire of men to put their members into a va-jay-jay. The song calls attention to the fact that it is the same place where nastiness comes out and so it mocks the men who talk about wanting to do it.

Ryan, being past puberty, has the biological instinct to mate, but that is in contention with his current maturation stage, in which he may still consider girls to be somewhat icky. For him, this song is a way for him to integrate his conflicting feelings about intimacy with females. He sings about wanting to get in, but makes it clear to the discerning listener that his interests are outside the box.

I see you smile when you take a hold of me.
But pleasure ain't my thing, I am soft inside you see.
I'll be the one to wipe your blood away. (like last night)
I'll extend my wings of love, and soak you up all day.
Cause I, would like to live, as a tampon (that's right) in the woman I love.

A week out of the month, just ain't enough time.
And his big ol' tally, just ain't no friend of mine.
Put me in your hole, I won't make a sound.
And don't you go get knocked up or you won't see me 'round. (for nine months)

Cause I, would like to live, as a tampon,
in the woman I love.
In the woman I love.

I'm in your purse right when you need me.
Ask a friend and she'll give you me for free.
And don't, don't eat me.
I'm not strawberry cotton candy. (Ah so nasty!) Yeah!

Cause I, would like to live, as a tampon,
in the woman I love.
In the woman I love.

Pull my string.
Pull my string.
Pull my string.
Pull my string!

Cause I, would like to live, as a tampon,
in the woman I love.
In the woman I love.
In the woman I love.
In the woman I love.



Videos of Ryan Conklin songs.